Let's talk social, relationships, peers, and community.

What is a recurring theme? In general it's the repeating of shapes and colors, the repetition within life, in simple a pattern. For me themes that recur are as common as driving to work for most people. They are present in my world daily. They make up my days, my hours and even my flow throughout the workday. 

But, what happens when you have had over 1100 clients and heard too many stories to recount them all separately? You start to see the themes even there. You start to see that no matter how separate one feels, no matter how different, outcast, shamed or even isolated one recalls their life story to be, they are similar. We are all similar. Our stories are unique, we are unique and yet they all overlap, they all repeat in some way, shape, or form. 

The pattern that has been present recently and perfectly coincides with today, is the theme of community, social interactions and ultimately friendships.

There is this weird thing that happens in my work where similar clients book close to one another, it's like this unconscious knowing that they need me in the right mindspace, they come together, completely unknowing. They shape my days and weeks to have recurring themes. 

So let's talk social, let's talk relationships, let's talk about peers and community. The stories this week varied, but they all came back to this core topic.

The first story was muddled in current time dialogue about work, leadership and the idea of age being a requirement for a sense of validation. The idea that friendships are few and far between, always have been, and many come with the pressure of pleasing to remain liked. The second was the storyline of a more social setting. The idea that they had become consumed by this new identity, one that was not their own, but was quickly becoming the only anchor they had to themselves and their idea of friendships. It’s a typical scene that many know, the bar scene, the drinking scene and the friends that seem to only come out at night. It sounds like it’s straight out of a science fiction novel where everyone is secretly vampires. Finally, the third client that fit with this week's theme was stuck in a loop so deeply ingrained that the only way they could explain it was the need to keep everyone happy. 

All stories varied in many ways, with the first client I spent more time simply uncovering the fact that these feelings, actions and desires are not new, that they have been recurring unconsciously since grade school. The second client was harder, it was as if I needed to encourage her new identity that she had found in the late night drinking sessions with her so called friends for her to be able to get a true sense of what friends should be. And still, the third client took the cake. This need to keep everyone happy had been an identity for as long as she could remember with no obvious cause or link to anyone beyond herself. So she had taken ownership, truly believing that this was just who she was, someone here merely to make others happy. 

Now, all this is fascinating and relevant… but the reason I wanted to put these into words for all of you, is to hear the subtlety of peer pressure. This word may trigger some of you, and if it does, then good. I want you to feel triggered. I want you to recognize the power that you have given to a single string of words. That’s your power. Ask yourself what purpose it gives you to give power to words, words that elicit a reaction, words that take you out of your identity. 

Why do I challenge this? I challenge you in recognizing your power because this is the same thing I did for my clients this week. I showed them how they were giving their power to these friends, to the expected behaviors that they believed they needed to do in order to feel acceptance, hell to even feel love. 

In simple terms, you are not alone if you've ever felt a comment said by someone you believed was a friend and felt a reaction, the split second need to decide whether you stayed in “your lane” and answered with your authentic words or whether you caved, pressured by the overwhelming desire to be liked, to be accepted and keep everyone happy. This is not something that separates you, makes you less than, makes you unworthy of true friends, the ones you can be yourself with without pause, hesitation or doubt in yourself and your truth. In fact, this makes you human, this makes you relatable and this makes you worthy of everything and everyone you want in this life. But you get the choice. You do not need to assume ownership of things like shame, worth or even the belief that you solely are responsible for keeping others happy. 

So stay in your lane. Give yourself the permission to find out who you are and attract the friends, the relationships, the partnerships and the social crowd that see you for you and never seek to change that, but instead to encourage it and maybe even look up to you. That is power.

Power of self.